psy-gaslighting

Date: 2024-12-14

source: 2024-12-15 Gaslighting in the workplace : r/ManagedByNarcissists {www.reddit.com}

Just wanted to share this post I'm going to delete the other one but wanted to share.

Gaslighting is happening in the workplace it's hard to tell sometimes since seniors or people who have been in the company/firm a lot longer than you have are doing it, if they don't want you there for X, Y or Z reasons they will find anything small to devalue your work ethic. They will try to get rid of you in some shape or form. Just remember to protect yourself because no amount of money will protect you from these people. I was warned about people like this in my last job by a few people who also left or had to leave and I was naive and ignored it.

1. You’re constantly questioning your perception.

If you're overwhelmed with self-doubt after a meeting with a coworker and find yourself second-guessing your version of events, you're probably being gaslighted

2. The gaslighter tells you you’re making mistakes when you know you aren’t.

You're competent. You’re good at your job. So why is it that, lately, you’re being told that you’ve made multiple errors when you’re pretty sure you haven’t? That could be the gaslighter’s manipulation tactic, especially if they’re envious of your success.

3. They tell you they “never said that”-but you know they did.

This is a common gaslighting behaviour: They’ll deny saying something that they definitely said. In fact, they’ll say “I never said that” so vehemently that you’ll start believing them and doubting yourself.

4. They praise you in private but criticize you in front of the rest of the team (or vice versa).

Remember, the gaslighter is trying to make you doubt your perception of reality, so they will twist things so that you never know which version to believe. They can do this by being two-faced:

• They act friendly to you, but when you’re not around, they berate you.
• Or they berate you when no one else is around, but they praise you when others are there to witness.

The goal is to create confusion so you question what's true.

5. You’re frequently left out of important meetings and decision-making conversations.

This is another major sign of gaslighting at work: The gaslighter will leave you out of important meetings, conversations and projects, without ever giving a clear reason why. When you try to find out why you weren’t included, they’ll make you think you’re overreacting or that you were mistaken and didn’t need to be included in that conversation. Even when something is key to the work you’re doing, they’ll convince you that it’s not.

If you find that you’re constantly being excluded, that might be a sign that you’re being gaslighted.

6. When you try to address issues, the gaslighter dismisses your concerns.

When you bring a concern to a gaslighter, they’ll dismiss it (especially if it’s an issue they caused). This is yet another way they can manipulate you into believing that you’re the problem.

For example, you might notice that the suspected gaslighter frequently leaves you out of email threads relevant to your work. When you ask them about it, they’ll say they didn’t mean to do it or that you’re being too hard on them for what was an honest mistake.

7. Other people are starting to notice how the gaslighter treats you.

This is a big one: When gaslighting goes on long enough, your colleagues will probably notice that you’re being treated differently. Now, they may or may not say anything or help you. It’s up to you to find a trusted colleague who will be honest with you about what they’re noticing.

8. You keep getting bumped into lesser, insignificant projects.

More than just being excluded, you might find that you’re being given “busy work,” those meaningless projects that keep you occupied but have no real impact. This could be an effort to undermine your authority and sabotage your productivity so that when performance reviews come around, you have no results to show because you were never given any meaningful work.

9. The gaslighter manipulates situations to embarrass you.

For example, the gaslighter might intentionally “forget” to email you about a meeting, so naturally, you don’t show up because you didn’t know about it. Then, they will reprimand you for missing the meeting.

10. No matter how hard you try, your work is never “good enough.”

As mentioned earlier, the gaslighter will find errors, even when they aren’t there. But they also will act unimpressed, or even disappointed, in even your best work. They do this to try to erode your self-esteem and make you doubt your ability to do your job.

The gaslighter’s vocabulary: Common phrases to watch out for

Gaslighters use vocabulary that invalidates your feelings and concerns to make you feel small and ineffective. They might use phrases such as:

• “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• “I never said that.”
• “That’s not what happened.”
• “You’re crazy.”
• “You’re misinterpreting everything.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “You’re reading too much into this.”

If you feel this is happening to you here are a few things that might help

1. Document everything

When communicating with a gaslighter, the preferred method is email-you want written documentation. That way, when they undoubtedly question your memory of their words, you have concrete evidence to show them that your memory is just fine.

You also might need this documentation to prove your case to HR so they can take action.

2. Ask someone else for feedback

The key piece here is that you must find someone you can trust, someone who is not on the side of the gaslighter. This may be difficult, particularly if your entire workplace is toxic.

Is the gaslighter frequently finding “flaws” in your work? Ask someone else to review these supposed errors.

Is the gaslighter denying excluding you from important meetings? Ask someone who was at these meetings if you were included in the email invitations.

Is the gaslighter denying ever criticizing you in front of the team? Ask someone who witnessed this criticism when you weren’t around.

3. Don’t bother confronting the gaslighter

There are many articles about gaslighting at work that encourage you to confront the potential gaslighter, but I don’t think that’s wise (unless you truly think the behaviour is unintentional) because it’s unlikely a gaslighter will admit to the behaviour.

You can show up to the discussion with a mountain of evidence, videos, recordings, and more, and a gaslighting person will still find a way to deflect, minimize, or deny. It is more worth it to walk away with your perception intact.

4. Bring it to HR or management

Your manager (as long as your manager isn’t the gaslighter) and HR will best know how to handle a gaslighter. Bring the evidence that you’ve gathered and let them serve as the third party between you and your gaslighter to ensure this issue gets resolved.

5. Avoid the gaslighter as much as possible

Sometimes, complete avoidance is impossible, such as in the case of a gaslighting boss. Definitely avoid alone time with the gaslighter, as any retelling after that will just be your word against theirs. Try to involve at least one reliable witness each time you meet with the gaslighter in person.

Also, avoid taking on projects where you will have to work with them, and don’t fall for any of their attempts to develop a more personal relationship with you.

6. Tap into your personal power

Gaslighting makes you question your sanity and your abilities. It can make you feel powerless and incompetent. To stand up to a gaslighter, you need to remember that you are capable.

7. Protect your mental health

Gaslighting is psychological warfare, and as such, it can wreck your mental health by lowering your self-esteem and self-confidence. It’s crucial to take time away from the gaslighting saga to recharge yourself and keep your mind sharp.

8. Leave if you can

Gaslighting can be the symptom of a toxic workplace-and that’s not something you’re going to fix on your own. This kind of environment will wear you down, so if you can, get out and move on to a workplace that values your well-being.

Comments:

I had a boss who would act like my friend and ask me personal questions. She knew I had some serious health issues going on and would ask me to give her updates each week when I met with her. I would start to cry when I would talk about it because my illness is not treatable. When I put in for FMLA, she started trying to get me fired (because how dare I take time off of work). She told HR that I “talk about my personal issues at work and cry too much”. I felt like I was losing my mind. It was sick. She knew I had been diagnosed with an untreatable illness and then pretended that she hadn’t been asking for that information the entire time.

Fantastic list, ty for sharing it. Dr. Ramani made a good video on Workplace Gaslighting recently. I wish she/MedCircle would expand to a whole workplace series. But this might threaten corporations too much.

Do have one major concern. Part of me believes that almost every job or corporation acts like the above. The only solace seems to be getting a decent manager for a time.

2024-12-15 Gaslighting at Work | The Signs - YouTube {www.youtube.com}

GPT summary article:

Introduction

Gaslighting in the workplace is a subtle yet harmful form of psychological manipulation that can leave employees questioning their competence, memory, and reality. It is a tactic used to maintain control and power, often leading to stress, self-doubt, and even long-term career setbacks for the victim. Understanding how gaslighting works, recognizing its signs, and knowing how to respond are essential steps for protecting your mental health and well-being at work. This article will provide clear definitions, key tactics, and practical advice for dealing with workplace gaslighting.

What is Gaslighting at Work?

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where a person or group makes someone question their perception of reality. While the term originally referred to a form of emotional abuse in personal relationships, it has since been recognized as a common workplace issue.

In the context of work, gaslighting involves a manager, supervisor, or colleague denying events, dismissing accomplishments, and manipulating facts to make the victim feel uncertain and dependent. It’s a process that unfolds over time and is aimed at eroding the victim’s self-trust, making it easier for the gaslighter to maintain control.

Gaslighting is part of a larger category of manipulative tactics used to control others. Unlike outright bullying or lying, gaslighting relies on subtle psychological tricks that make it difficult for the victim to realize they are being manipulated. It’s important to recognize this distinction to better understand how to protect yourself.

What Gaslighting is Not

Many people confuse gaslighting with other workplace behaviors, but not all forms of criticism, disagreements, or negative interactions are gaslighting. Understanding what gaslighting is not can help clarify the boundaries of this term.

1. Constructive Criticism
   • Feedback from a manager or peer aimed at improving your work is not gaslighting. Constructive criticism provides specific, actionable suggestions and is usually intended to support growth, not undermine your sense of reality.
2. Disagreements or Differing Opinions
   • Differences of opinion are a normal part of workplace collaboration. If a coworker or supervisor disagrees with your perspective, it doesn’t mean they’re gaslighting you. Gaslighting occurs when someone denies your experience or tries to make you question your memory or perception.
3. Mistakes and Accountability
   • Everyone makes mistakes at work, and being held accountable for your errors is not gaslighting. A manager pointing out errors and asking you to correct them is a normal part of workplace dynamics.
4. Direct Disagreement or Correction
   • If a supervisor corrects your work or provides alternative instructions, it’s not gaslighting as long as they aren’t attempting to rewrite history or deny previous agreements. Direct feedback is part of healthy workplace communication.
5. Performance Reviews and Evaluations
   • Performance reviews are formal assessments of your work. If feedback is based on documented evidence and clear criteria, it’s not gaslighting. However, if the review contains fabricated information or misrepresents your performance, it may cross the line into gaslighting.

Key Tactics Used in Workplace Gaslighting

1. Denial of Reality
   • The gaslighter flat-out denies events that occurred, such as conversations, decisions, or agreements. For example, a manager might say, “We never agreed to that deadline,” even though you have an email confirming it.
2. Undermining Trust and Confidence
   • The gaslighter subtly questions the victim’s skills, knowledge, or memory. They might say things like, “Are you sure you’re remembering that correctly?” or “You’re being overly sensitive.” Over time, this erodes the victim’s self-confidence.
3. Blame Deflection
   • When mistakes happen, gaslighters deflect blame onto the victim. Even if the problem was caused by the gaslighter’s own actions or poor instructions, they’ll say, “You should have known better” or “You’re always causing problems.”
4. Denying Contributions
   • Gaslighters downplay the victim’s accomplishments and contributions. For instance, if you complete a project ahead of schedule, the gaslighter might respond, “That’s just part of your job” or “Everyone’s pulling extra weight right now.” This prevents employees from feeling validated or appreciated.
5. Emotional Manipulation
   • Gaslighters use emotional appeals to control behavior. For example, they might imply that employees should “show loyalty” by working unpaid overtime or staying silent about unfair treatment. They may frame it as “everyone else is doing it” or guilt-trip the victim for not being a “team player.”

Why Gaslighting Happens at Work

Gaslighting in the workplace often stems from a desire for control, power, or self-protection on the part of the gaslighter. Here’s why it happens:

• Power and Control: Managers or supervisors may gaslight employees to maintain dominance. By making employees doubt themselves, it’s easier for the manager to assert authority and avoid accountability.
• Self-Preservation: Sometimes, gaslighting occurs when someone fears being exposed for their incompetence or mistakes. Instead of admitting fault, they push blame onto others to protect their own reputation.
• Toxic Work Culture: Companies with poor management, lack of accountability, or "hustle culture" may create environments where gaslighting is normalized. If leadership constantly prioritizes “company loyalty” or “teaming up for the cause,” they may inadvertently promote gaslighting behavior.
• Economic Pressures: During periods of layoffs or hiring freezes, employees may be expected to take on more work without additional compensation. When employees push back, gaslighters might manipulate them into feeling guilty by saying, “We’re all in this together,” or “Don’t you care about the company’s future?”

How to Recognize and Respond to Gaslighting at Work

1. Recognize the Signs
   • Frequent Self-Doubt: Do you constantly question your own memory or decisions? If you’re always second-guessing yourself, it’s possible you’re being gaslit.
   • Feeling Isolated: Gaslighters may try to isolate victims from colleagues by sowing doubt about their intentions or loyalty.
   • Unfair Blame: If you’re regularly blamed for mistakes that aren't your fault, or you’re held to different standards than your colleagues, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
   • Constant Justification: If you find yourself always trying to "prove" your work or explain your decisions, you’re likely being subjected to gaslighting.
2. Document Everything
   • Keep records of emails, meeting notes, and work-related communications. If someone tries to deny an agreement or decision, you’ll have proof to back yourself up.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
   • Practice assertiveness by clearly stating your expectations. For example, say, “I need confirmation in writing,” or “I’d like clarification on what’s expected so we’re on the same page.”
4. Don’t Engage in the "Tango"
   • Gaslighters often try to provoke emotional reactions. Instead of engaging, stay calm and focused on facts. If they deny reality, calmly restate your view. For example, you might say, “I understand that’s your perspective, but I’ve seen it differently.” Avoid arguments that will only escalate the situation.
5. Seek Support
   • If you’re unsure whether you’re being gaslit, talk to a trusted mentor, HR representative, or mental health professional. They can offer perspective and help you validate your experiences.
6. Leverage External Job Offers
   • If you’re being gaslit and no progress is being made, it may be time to explore opportunities elsewhere. In some cases, having another job offer can give you leverage in negotiations with your current employer.
7. Consider Your Long-Term Well-Being
   • If gaslighting is persistent and you’re unable to resolve it, consider whether it’s time to leave. No job is worth sacrificing your mental health and self-confidence.

Final Thoughts

Gaslighting at work is a serious issue that can have long-term effects on your mental health, career, and sense of self-worth. Recognizing gaslighting tactics and knowing how to respond can empower you to protect yourself. If you’re dealing with a gaslighting supervisor, prioritize your mental health and document everything. You’re not alone, and there are resources available to help you move forward.

2024-12-15 How to handle what feel like gaslighting attempts from your boss? : r/careeradvice {www.reddit.com}

A little background, this is something I have had to deal with from another boss at a previous company. As infuriating as that situation was, it taught me to have better habits and to literally record EVERYTHING - either in email, meeting minutes and asking for explicit, written confirmation for all decisions made.

I am in a different company now and have begun to experience the same type of behaviour from someone in a leadership position. It feels very targeted and combative and started roughly 3 months ago.

I do my best to diffuse situations by remaining non-combative and by clarifying what was agreed upon in the past. It seems like the more respectful I try to be, the angrier they become.

For example, my boss may tell me they prefer things to be done X way and I will acquiesce. Some time will go by and I will receive an angry message or Teams call asking why we are doing things X way and not Y way. I then have to explain that this is literally what they asked of me.

Sometimes they are so frustrated that I have to go back and review the minutes I took down so that I can stop second guessing myself. I have started sending all documentation when these confrontations happen because I feel like my work ethic is being questioned.

After getting frustrated myself and presenting this information to them on multiple occasions, they have apologized and recognized they were in the wrong or forgetful. The behaviour lessened for a while and it is starting back up. Now, it feels as though this leader and another are teaming up to make me question the decisions made.

Yesterday I got so fed up, I sent an email containing email threads, minutes AND text messages with their approvals in each of them. I haven’t heard anything back from that front but have been met with cold communication.

How else can I navigate this situation without becoming unprofessional? I’m doing my best to work with them and their needs but I am getting tired of being attacked for the very deliverables that they asked me for.

Comments: